“How was this controversial?” I said to myself whilst watching Harry Potter. The action was so intense that the heart of any moderately sheltered nine-year-old would feel their little heart pang with concern.
CAUTIOUS PARENT: We don’t shelter! We preserve their innocence!
G.A.: That’s censorship.
The movies are well done, no doubt. The music, the angles, the sound effects, and the way those actors held those little sticks like weapons; if swords or guns replaced the magic wands, the scene would still work. However, Harry Potter action doesn’t impress a poor kid raised on the cinematic sex and violence of the 1980s R movies. Plus, I’m more partial to the Lord of The Rings.
Evil G.A.: Harry Potter couldn’t survive Middle-earth! These kids are soft. Let us see one of the Hogwarts gang run through by a rusty Orc blade!
G.A.: Think of the Tolkien/Lewis fanatic “Good Christian” parents who signed off on that level of violence but were concerned about their children being led astray by the magic of Harry and The Hogwarts Kids.
Evil G.A.: Let them burn our books, precious. Drives up sales, it will.
I had to take a break from the softcore magical melodrama to raid my youngest son’s birthday cake and ice cream.
G.A.: Kit Kat flavor or Chips Ahoy? [Looking at the cartons] Damn, if I didn’t buy a red one and a blue one.
Evil G.A.: Stupid, fat hobbit!
Many RED-blooded bible-believing Americans align with the Lord of The Rings series on the ideological level. Aside from the Christian allegory, there’s a strong sense of heroic nationalism. Just beyond the border, a dark force gathers its strength for invasion. This dark force will hire mercenaries who worship strange gods. They will plant atheistic subversives inside the halls of the free. So, hell yeah, you better have catapults, trebuchets, calvary, and wagon loads of arrows at your disposal.
Evil G.A.: Give the children swords and bows for Christmas! Middle-earth must be defended from evil outsiders!
G.A.: What about the classroom? What combats the intellectual tyranny already inside our borders?
Welcome to Hogwarts. Preserve the integrity of academia and keep the honor of our private school clean! All an intellectual warrior needs is a magic wand–not Rohan's inflated military budget. Students will change the world. Yes, some teachers have devoted their lives to guiding youth and protecting them from false ideology. Any BLUE-blooded champion of the education system as the cradle of civilization will resonate with those wee wizards' battle for truth!
You never thought of it this way before? Thank goodness plenty of people are ready to interpret things you’ve never read (comprehended, or contemplated) for you.
SCENE: Evangelical church, 2004
PASTOR BOB: [adjusting his American flag lapel pin] The Second Amendment is moral! It protects our freedom to worship! Magic wands are immoral! They teach our children to trust the powers of the Devil!
CAUTIOUS PARENT: [Whispers to spouse] Jimmy is not going to see Harry Potter with the Smiths.
SCENE: School faculty lounge, 2019
SINGLE LIBERAL ARTS TEACHER: [eating ethically sourced quinoa] You shouldn’t encourage your students to consume J.K. Rowling. She’s trans-exclusionary.
CAUTIOUS PARENT LIBERAL ARTS TEACHER: [Texting partner] We shouldn’t let Willow go to Harry Potter World with the Coles. We don’t want to look like we’re condoning J.K. Rowling.
SCENE: Narrow kitchen in an old two-bedroom townhouse, 2024
I take the empty bowl to the sink. It’s smeared with Kit-Kat and Chips Ahoy ice cream. I’m filled with self-loathing. No, I can’t criticize anyone for being the gatekeeper to what their children consume. Food…movies…ammunition. Good job. Do you rely on an organization's guidebook to decide what your children should see? Right now, they have no choice but to conform to your brand’s approval or disapproval of particular facets of pop culture. You can preserve their innocence all you want, but unless you’re moving to a compound without internet access, they will meet someone ELSE who profits off thinking for people.
Maybe it will be me. I could pick a side and offer my craft in service to the cause. I could craft a well-thought-out argument for expanding gun rights, using The Lord of The Rings as the theme. I could craft a Harry Potter-referencing argument for why we should defend our education system from conservatives infiltrating school boards. I could pass the hat after the show. I like public speaking. I love sales.
Evil G.A.: You’re a nihilistic sell-out, G.A. Johnson!
I won't lie: I want to be paid for fictionalizing reality to suit my narratives. I could do it a lot easier, flying banners for the cause. But I won't. Artistic Integrity and Abject Obscurity are my brand. I oppose forked-tongue word wizards marching righteously while drunk on self-deception. Their spells are far more dangerous to innocent youths than fantasy novels.
Buy my novels here: https://linktr.ee/gajohnson
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